I'm the OM "and" the betrayed. My story... - Talk About Marriage

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Today, 02:12 AM	? #1 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Aug 2012 Posts: 21	This is a very difficult story to share. I connected with a girl from HS on FB. We are both 45. We decided to meet when she was in town just for the novelty of catching up. We fell for each other immediately. She told me that she was separated but living in the same house with her husband for the past two months, living in separate bedrooms and separate beds - that there is no physical or intimate contact, that the marriage was unfixable. The tone of this conversation sounded like a woman who was not in distress, but had healed - it was introspective, had depth, reflection, etc; It was not the focal point of our night. It was just a segment. It was a light night, no flirting at all. When saying good night, I kissed her very polite and tenderly. Short. She was reserved and hesitant but we both knew we wanted this to happen. It was a beautiful moment in our relationship. Because she lived 250 miles away, our relationship evolved over texting and Facebook (and phone) for the first three months. We did see each other once during that time on a group event with friends and family. If you read the texts and chats, you would believe this was a movie script. The depth and emotion of the words, expressions were so beautifully authored that it's a beautiful read (I still have every single one). I'm a good writer, however, the love that was coming out of me was evolving from the heart and soul of this relationship we were nurturing. Three months after we met, we made love (on Easter weekend). Everything about the moment leading up to, during and after was love for me. I want to make clear, I'm not a weak man, appear weak, clingy, needy or unattractive. I'm a strong and attractive man very experienced in relationships, love and romance. As we entered into this depth of relationship, I asked for clarity about her status. She said the status was the same, that it will take some time to end a 21 year marriage and that her husband is a very good man, and she wants the divorce to evolve through counseling so that he is not devastated emotionally because he is very much in love with her. She told me the counselor had asked them to sleep in the same bed so to not make the kids aware of a marital problem and also because the counselor felt that's what they should do as a couple, but she kept reassuring me and asking me for her trust (if not demanded at times). I made very clear to her that I do not "double dip" and asked her to be completely honest with me if she enters back into a physical relationship with her husband because it would be the right thing to do for me and to end our relationship. One month after this, signs (flags) led me to believe she was being dishonest. I questioned her about the intimacy with her husband. She confessed that on Valentines Day she was intimate with her husband and she told me it was "nothing", meant nothing, that it's out of the obligation of the marriage and when we make love it's "love" but with him it was to just give in that one time. My reaction was hurt and in my distress I told her that I would have to tell her husband. She was at her parents during this conversation and she told the parents that she was having an "EA" with someone from HS but she didn't say it was me (because according to her, she didn't want to ruin a chance for our future by saying it was me) and that this person was going to call her husband. So, the parents immediately called the husband and let them no. She asked me to come over right away so we could talk. She was in tears and we both decided to protect our future for her to tell her husband that there was a person from HS that "threatened" to tell her husband that he was having an affair because she would not enter into one. So, now, I am becoming part of a lie and I'm confused but feel somewhat responsible because I reacted to her betrayal of "us" with telling the husband. As you can see, emotions are taking control of the situation. One month ago, I finally confronted the situation because no movement, decisions were being made and signs were becoming more aware to me and she confessed that there was never a separation, she has been intimate with her husband the entire time and she told me that she was separated because she knew my values and knew I would not get into a relationship with her and she didn't want to lose me. She said she meant every word she said, loves me and wants to be with me and reiterated the sexual obligation to keep him from suspecting anything and that she does plan on divorcing him but wanted to do so the right way emotionally because he is a good man, not abusive, etc;. 2 weeks ago, she tells me that her husband found out that we were in a relationship because he stumbled upon a love letter she planned on sending to me that she had written. She had begun individual counseling that week. She said they have physically separated and living in different houses as result. She invited me to visit her in her town one week later. A lot of circumstances to long to express here - but - I caught her in more lies and the biggest one being the husband and her are not separated in two different houses. The odd thing is she let me listen to a voicemail of his that said "I know you are with him, I don't give a *hit what you do to me but I do give a *hit what you do to our kids" and also she showed me a text where and employee of her husbands said "sorry for your separation". However, both nights I was in town visiting her, he spent the entire night there and she said it was unexpected. There are SO MANY more details and situations, but, it all added up to nothing adding up, lies. I don't know if I did the right thing, but, I wrote a letter to the husband. It was a compassionate letter to everyone involved - him, her, myself, the kids. It was not vindictive, the tone was mature. I felt betrayed and lied to. I still believed "her love" and that she was (because she said to be over and over again) stuck but after 6 months of no movement and the stories of how everyone in her family is suffering and I'm suffering and she is suffering (she says), I wanted to bring everything to the surface with the "thought" and "belief" the response would be not good, but that ultimately everyone would get it all out on the table and share information - like mid-40's adults. She had told me that "he" knew everything about our relationship after he found the letter. Well, what I received was the most painful, hateful letter from her that she does not love me, will never love me, can't believe that she thought she did, does not have one ounce of respect or love for me, will never forgive me, don't ever contact her again, I destroyed her family because "she" "fell into" a life of self-destruction and evil. It's been almost 2 weeks, I've heard nothing from her. I had a static Match profile that she created a new profile, looked at my profile and then she removed hers - that was after 4 days. I shared with her, everyday, since January until August 7th - a love story (I thought). My friends and support system challenged that love because I wrote the letter to the husband and that despite betrayal and lies (there are so many more than what is written here), I would protect her. I have a pretty good source that is telling me that she built upon the original story that she has NOT had an intimate relationship but I wanted to. Some of my friends are telling me to not be victimized and send all of the texts, FB chats, the one nude photo she sent over text, her cards, two pairs of her underwear - full disclosure because she is still lying, protecting her nest and victimizing me. Then others say, walk away......and others say it's my fault because I knew she wasn't divorced. My defense to that is I believed every word she said to me and we I carefully entered into this relationship through talking with her thoroughly and the emotions that supported them. I feel I was played, lied to and, deceived. I don't feel like I am at fault. Here is something else that is important to me, I was sexually abused as a child and it took me a long time to overcome this and relate sex to mean expression of love and commitment. I shared this with her before we became intimate and after because I was trying to be very careful every step of the way. And she said that she would never hurt me, I can trust her, let my guard down, etc; Now, I feel I've been used for sex and feel abandoned. I don't know my place anymore - where I was right, wrong, or made a mistake and I go from one moment to the memories and then to another of the loss, to another of wanting to reach out, to the other wanting to expose more details to the husband to clear my name, to just cope. I've lost 13 lbs since the which makes a great diet plan, but, the truth is, this is a tragedy emotionally for me. I would appreciate constructive and thoughtful feedback. I don't know how to best cope or handle or interpret what has and is happening. Thank you. P.S. Please understand, a lot of detail is omitted because there is so much more, just know that I believed and thought I was in an exclusive, monogomous relationship and believed every word I was being told and entered into this "separated" relationship very carefully, but I was lied to from the beginning.
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Today, 03:47 AM	? #3 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Oct 2011 Posts: 847	My wife told she was "separated" to her affair partner (a neighbour) too, but I do not believe anyone with half a brain could buy into that. We were living in the same place, doing activities with kid together, and had "Mr. and Mrs. Snap" written on our mailbox. I can't believe you never seen any signs of her secrecy towards her husband when meeting you. Hiding, deceiving, dodging phone calls etc. You knew what's up but preferred to not dwell on it. Then BOOM, it's discovered, the husband is furious and your AP is gone. You are in withdrawal and are trying to rationalize away your behavior. You wrote a letter to her husband, which you deem compassionate but at the same time focused on your feeling of hurt. If I was in his place, I'd wipe my a** with it. The only thing of integrity you can do at this point is to fill in the husband with details, because he's sure as hell being lied to by the wife at this point. You two stole reality of life from him, it's time to give it back.
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Today, 05:32 AM	? #10 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Oct 2011 Posts: 847	OK, it was a full blown relationship for 6 months. She never had a call from her H while you were out? If she did and picked the call, did you keep silent to not blow the cover? She never had to cancel a date with you because they had some errand planned together with the husband? Also, this: Quote: She said the status was the same, that it will take some time to end a 21 year marriage and that her husband is a very good man, and she wants the divorce to evolve through counseling so that he is not devastated emotionally because he is very much in love with her. You KNEW she is messing around, you KNEW the husband was still her husband, would've been heartbroken if he knew about your affair, you even wrote the sentence above to the same effect. I know it runs contrary to your victimhood narrative of yourself, probably you spent substantial time and effort rationalizing your behaviour and done a great job of self-convincing. We here however see it from less involved perspective and have no problem calling spade a spade. As I said if you really believe you have integrity left, come clean to the husband. Not holding my breath though.
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Today, 05:47 AM	? #11 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Feb 2012 Location: NYC Posts: 546	Quote: This is a very difficult story to share. I connected with a girl from HS on FB. We are both 45. We decided to meet when she was in town just for the novelty of catching up. We fell for each other immediately. She told me that she was separated but living in the same house with her husband for the past two months, living in separate bedrooms and separate beds - that there is no physical or intimate contact, that the marriage was unfixable. The tone of this conversation sounded like a woman who was not in distress, but had healed - it was introspective, had depth, reflection, etc; It was not the focal point of our night. It was just a segment. It was a light night, no flirting at all. When saying good night, I kissed her very polite and tenderly. Short. She was reserved and hesitant but we both knew we wanted this to happen. It was a beautiful moment in our relationship. Because she lived 250 miles away, our relationship evolved over texting and Facebook (and phone) for the first three months. We did see each other once during that time on a group event with friends and family. If you read the texts and chats, you would believe this was a movie script. The depth and emotion of the words, expressions were so beautifully authored that it's a beautiful read (I still have every single one). I'm a good writer, however, the love that was coming out of me was evolving from the heart and soul of this relationship we were nurturing. Three months after we met, we made love (on Easter weekend). Everything about the moment leading up to, during and after was love for me. I want to make clear, I'm not a weak man, appear weak, clingy, needy or unattractive. I'm a strong and attractive man very experienced in relationships, love and romance. As we entered into this depth of relationship, I asked for clarity about her status. She said the status was the same, that it will take some time to end a 21 year marriage and that her husband is a very good man, and she wants the divorce to evolve through counseling so that he is not devastated emotionally because he is very much in love with her. She told me the counselor had asked them to sleep in the same bed so to not make the kids aware of a marital problem and also because the counselor felt that's what they should do as a couple, but she kept reassuring me and asking me for her trust (if not demanded at times). I made very clear to her that I do not "double dip" and asked her to be completely honest with me if she enters back into a physical relationship with her husband because it would be the right thing to do for me and to end our relationship. One month after this, signs (flags) led me to believe she was being dishonest. I questioned her about the intimacy with her husband. She confessed that on Valentines Day she was intimate with her husband and she told me it was "nothing", meant nothing, that it's out of the obligation of the marriage and when we make love it's "love" but with him it was to just give in that one time. My reaction was hurt and in my distress I told her that I would have to tell her husband. She was at her parents during this conversation and she told the parents that she was having an "EA" with someone from HS but she didn't say it was me (because according to her, she didn't want to ruin a chance for our future by saying it was me) and that this person was going to call her husband. So, the parents immediately called the husband and let them no. She asked me to come over right away so we could talk. She was in tears and we both decided to protect our future for her to tell her husband that there was a person from HS that "threatened" to tell her husband that he was having an affair because she would not enter into one. So, now, I am becoming part of a lie and I'm confused but feel somewhat responsible because I reacted to her betrayal of "us" with telling the husband. As you can see, emotions are taking control of the situation. One month ago, I finally confronted the situation because no movement, decisions were being made and signs were becoming more aware to me and she confessed that there was never a separation, she has been intimate with her husband the entire time and she told me that she was separated because she knew my values and knew I would not get into a relationship with her and she didn't want to lose me. She said she meant every word she said, loves me and wants to be with me and reiterated the sexual obligation to keep him from suspecting anything and that she does plan on divorcing him but wanted to do so the right way emotionally because he is a good man, not abusive, etc;. 2 weeks ago, she tells me that her husband found out that we were in a relationship because he stumbled upon a love letter she planned on sending to me that she had written. She had begun individual counseling that week. She said they have physically separated and living in different houses as result. She invited me to visit her in her town one week later. A lot of circumstances to long to express here - but - I caught her in more lies and the biggest one being the husband and her are not separated in two different houses. The odd thing is she let me listen to a voicemail of his that said "I know you are with him, I don't give a *hit what you do to me but I do give a *hit what you do to our kids" and also she showed me a text where and employee of her husbands said "sorry for your separation". However, both nights I was in town visiting her, he spent the entire night there and she said it was unexpected. There are SO MANY more details and situations, but, it all added up to nothing adding up, lies. I don't know if I did the right thing, but, I wrote a letter to the husband. It was a compassionate letter to everyone involved - him, her, myself, the kids. It was not vindictive, the tone was mature. I felt betrayed and lied to. I still believed "her love" and that she was (because she said to be over and over again) stuck but after 6 months of no movement and the stories of how everyone in her family is suffering and I'm suffering and she is suffering (she says), I wanted to bring everything to the surface with the "thought" and "belief" the response would be not good, but that ultimately everyone would get it all out on the table and share information - like mid-40's adults. She had told me that "he" knew everything about our relationship after he found the letter. Well, what I received was the most painful, hateful letter from her that she does not love me, will never love me, can't believe that she thought she did, does not have one ounce of respect or love for me, will never forgive me, don't ever contact her again, I destroyed her family because "she" "fell into" a life of self-destruction and evil. It's been almost 2 weeks, I've heard nothing from her. I had a static Match profile that she created a new profile, looked at my profile and then she removed hers - that was after 4 days. I shared with her, everyday, since January until August 7th - a love story (I thought). My friends and support system challenged that love because I wrote the letter to the husband and that despite betrayal and lies (there are so many more than what is written here), I would protect her. I have a pretty good source that is telling me that she built upon the original story that she has NOT had an intimate relationship but I wanted to. Some of my friends are telling me to not be victimized and send all of the texts, FB chats, the one nude photo she sent over text, her cards, two pairs of her underwear - full disclosure because she is still lying, protecting her nest and victimizing me. Then others say, walk away......and others say it's my fault because I knew she wasn't divorced. My defense to that is I believed every word she said to me and we I carefully entered into this relationship through talking with her thoroughly and the emotions that supported them. I feel I was played, lied to and, deceived. I don't feel like I am at fault. Here is something else that is important to me, I was sexually abused as a child and it took me a long time to overcome this and relate sex to mean expression of love and commitment. I shared this with her before we became intimate and after because I was trying to be very careful every step of the way. And she said that she would never hurt me, I can trust her, let my guard down, etc; Now, I feel I've been used for sex and feel abandoned. I don't know my place anymore - where I was right, wrong, or made a mistake and I go from one moment to the memories and then to another of the loss, to another of wanting to reach out, to the other wanting to expose more details to the husband to clear my name, to just cope. I've lost 13 lbs since the which makes a great diet plan, but, the truth is, this is a tragedy emotionally for me. I would appreciate constructive and thoughtful feedback. I don't know how to best cope or handle or interpret what has and is happening. Thank you. P.S. Please understand, a lot of detail is omitted because there is so much more, just know that I believed and thought I was in an exclusive, monogomous relationship and believed every word I was being told and entered into this "separated" relationship very carefully, but I was lied to from the beginning. You say you are experienced in love and romance, but the way this has played out shows otherwise. You believed every word you were being told. You had plenty of reasons not to believe, starting from day one. It just got progressively harder to believe after that. You continued this relationship after seeing many signs of her lying and seems like you are still stuck on it. It seems disingenuous on your part to claim that it's not your fault because you believed every word she said to you, despite all evidence to the contrary. I would refer to this as "willful blindness" or "willful ignorance" on your part. Sticking your head in the sand. The "ostrich" approach. It seems that you preferred ignorance of the truth because it was more pleasant than what the evidence indicated was actually going on. She is 45 and her relationship with her husband lasted 21 years, practically her entire adult life - this was such a huge part of her life - yet it seems you barely spoke to her about it other than to get a relatively brief reassurance here and there about how she was separated and not sleeping with him. If you were this hurt after 8 months, imagine how her husband feels after 21-PLUS YEARS. The fact that she NEVER badmouthed her husband to you, always said he was a good man, yet was divorcing him, should have been a big red flag that she was lying to you. Am I getting this right, that, in order to secure your future with her, you and she agreed at one point that she should lie to her husband that someone was threatening to tell the husband of an affair because she would not enter into? How messed up is that? And you still think you are the victim? Or a willing accomplice? Please send her husband the evidence to prove it was a physical affair in such a way that she cannot lie her way out of it. And have no contact with her ever again. You said you would never have started a relationship with a married woman, but reading between the lines it seems you would have been OK with it if she had left her husband for you now. It seems that was the purpose of your tell-all letter to her husband. You say the "tone was mature." You made me laugh. You still had not considered the possibility that her husband was totally in the dark. Imagine how "mature" her husband thought that letter was. She did not use your for sex. She could have gotten sex much closer to home and she wouldn't have waited three months. She used you for something, partly for sex, but I suspect mostly because you made her feel good emotionally, made her feel desired, you showed her the passion of a new romance while what she had with her husband, after 21 years, could not have matched what you were showing her. Her husband was busy working, taking care of kids, dealing with in-laws and extended families, a home, a marriage; on the other hand, you were able to focus your energies much more solely on her. She enjoyed it and used you.
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Today, 05:59 AM	? #12 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Aug 2012 Posts: 21	Well, I posted as objectively as I could from my perspective. I was lied to and betrayed in my relationship with her and to her. So, you're going to hear, 10 days from it, a perspective of being victimized based upon the facts and my experience - all of which cannot be shared here in it's entirety. Anytime someone is lied to and betrayed - they are a victim. I "KNEW" what she told me until it wasn't adding up. And when it didn't, I inquired, then confronted, then ultimately notified. It's easy to be an arm chair quarterback after the fact through my post, but, I lived this in real time. The only errand that was canceled (again, I we saw each other once every three weeks as I live 250 miles from her) was when I came to her town and that's when I delivered the letter to the husband. She received a call from her husband, the one she told me she was divorcing, separated from - yes. I knew I was in a monogomous exclusive relationship - that's what I knew - until I knew differently. What behavior did I have to rationalize? Dating a woman who clearly and firmly stated she was separated? That's what I did. I dated a woman who lied to me. That's the spade is a spade. Regarding telling the husband everything - that is actually what I am asking and I'm getting conflicting opinions. One post says leave the family alone, yours says tell everything. I'd like for that to be the focus - the exposure. Isn't odd that the OM is the one talking about exposing the affair. If I didn't have values, I would just keep quiet and have sex with her. I was single, free, available - I knew her and trusted her from HS 27 years ago (the historical connection enough gave me even more reason to trust and believe) - and she chose to lie to me to get me into an affair with her. That's a fact. And I do feel victimized for it. And her family has been victimized. I let the husband know. It seems like everyone supports that. But, I have every text, chat, and other evidence that I don't know if I should share. He hasn't asked me for it. He may believe his wife. Do I force it down his throat? He knows my number, email, etc; Maybe he is playing blind or he believes whatever she is telling him. My motivation would be to clear my name and expose the lies in the sense that it supports that everything in the letter I wrote is true. She wrote to me in her letter (to me): "This letter is so twisted and not all how I saw things or felt". That would be false. She clearly shared with me in text how she felt about her husband and me many times over. It's in print. Clearing my name will only satisfy me. I don't expect to be invited over for Thanksgiving or get a thank you card.
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Today, 06:10 AM	? #15 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Aug 2012 Posts: 21	Quote: You say you are experienced in love and romance, but the way this has played out shows otherwise. You believed every word you were being told. You had plenty of reasons not to believe, starting from day one. It just got progressively harder to believe after that. You continued this relationship after seeing many signs of her lying and seems like you are still stuck on it. It seems disingenuous on your part to claim that it's not your fault because you believed every word she said to you, despite all evidence to the contrary. I would refer to this as "willful blindness" or "willful ignorance" on your part. Sticking your head in the sand. The "ostrich" approach. It seems that you preferred ignorance of the truth because it was more pleasant than what the evidence indicated was actually going on. She is 45 and her relationship with her husband lasted 21 years, practically her entire adult life - this was such a huge part of her life - yet it seems you barely spoke to her about it other than to get a relatively brief reassurance here and there about how she was separated and not sleeping with him. If you were this hurt after 8 months, imagine how her husband feels after 21-PLUS YEARS. The fact that she NEVER badmouthed her husband to you, always said he was a good man, yet was divorcing him, should have been a big red flag that she was lying to you. Am I getting this right, that, in order to secure your future with her, you and she agreed at one point that she should lie to her husband that someone was threatening to tell the husband of an affair because she would not enter into? How messed up is that? And you still think you are the victim? Or a willing accomplice? Please send her husband the evidence to prove it was a physical affair in such a way that she cannot lie her way out of it. And have no contact with her ever again. You said you would never have started a relationship with a married woman, but reading between the lines it seems you would have been OK with it if she had left her husband for you now. It seems that was the purpose of your tell-all letter to her husband. You say the "tone was mature." You made me laugh. You still had not considered the possibility that her husband was totally in the dark. Imagine how "mature" her husband thought that letter was. She did not use your for sex. She could have gotten sex much closer to home and she wouldn't have waited three months. She used you for something, partly for sex, but I suspect mostly because you made her feel good emotionally, made her feel desired, you showed her the passion of a new romance while what she had with her husband, after 21 years, could not have matched what you were showing her. Her husband was busy working, taking care of kids, dealing with in-laws and extended families, a home, a marriage; on the other hand, you were able to focus your energies much more solely on her. She enjoyed it and used you. I am experienced in love and romance with women that don't lie. Evidence evolved. It trickled. I also wrote that I couldn't write everything in the post or it would be unreadable. I didn't play blind to anything - I addressed everything. Is it possible that she is really good at lying? Yes, I was in love. Love is blind. Subconsciously I may have always saw the best and true in her, not because I was trying to support me, but it's just what being in that state of love does. I don't show up jaded in relationships. I acknowledged in my post that when I told her I was going to tell her husband about us that this is when it was falling apart for me because I was now part of a lie. The letter was mature and she had told me that her husband knew everything about us, they physically separated (I'm repeating my post now - why? - I addressed your question in the original post). I wrote the letter because there was so much evidence of lying to me I knew she was lying to him - so I wrote the letter right away and waited 1 day. I did not send the letter for her to come to me. I sent the letter so that she would deal with reality and work through this situation. I can't just flip a switch and go from "I love her" to "she's a ****". I was in love with her, but, that love I was receiving was a lie. I just didn't know it. I believe you are right about the emotional part.
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